I still remember an object lesson from a Sunday school class illustrating the significance of lies. She said, “I will just tell one itty, bitty lie and it won’t hurt anybody. It’s called ‘the good ol’ “broken lamp’ lie. Mom will get a new lamp; I won’t be in trouble; everything will be forgotten right?” As the teacher told a string of lies, each one would break down, she said for every lie you tell, you have to tell two more to cover up the first one. Kids will convince themselves that mom believes their story. As a mom, or dad, you have probably been in the same situation you just fold your hands, sit back, and watch the child’s lie crumble all to pieces.
Those are lies we tell others to avoid something inconvenient. At the table, as I was exploring this topic, we asked our kids if they had lied and got away with it (with the promise of not getting in trouble). They had the standard responses; going over screen-time limits, hygiene avoidance, etc. But I want to focus on more dangerous lies – the ones we tell ourselves.
Sometimes my husband helps me brainstorm an idea, We tossed the idea back and forth and he smiled sheepishly when I came up with one for him in about 1 second: the honey-do list. He convinces himself that he will get around to the honey-do list, but…you know.
I asked him for a real example of one of mine, but not a cliche one. He didn’t hesitate.
“You’re addicted to coffee.” was his response, which isn’t true. Last Sunday when i tried a bone broth fast, I had a headache because I had low blood sugar, not because I missed two coffees. Moving on…
After I had started working on my blog, I looked over his shoulder as he was writing his script for a few upcoming podcasts on a similar topic: the ways people avoid truth, and some of the motives. He was coming more from the direction of excusing behavior and choosing ‘my truth‘ because my truth allows me to behave a certain way. Self-lies are told for many other reasons. Any time reality doesn’t meet expectation we may be tempted to dismiss it with an untruth.
Standards we make for ourselves or allow others to place on ourselves can be the source for this self-deception: I need to look a certain way, my kids should always behave a certain way, my house should always be in a certain condition. Impossible standards that we can’t live up to, result in lies to ourselves and we think we have everyone around us convinced.
Come visit us. I guarantee our house will look like a museum, and we will all be wearing pleasant smiles when you arrive. Show up an hour early and see the lie(s). And you know it’s not true ’cause the same thing happens at your house. But these are funny examples, and like the lamp, they probably don’t hurt you or me. However, when we get used to lying to ourselves, we create an environment to damage family deeply. Ignoring potential problems or lying to justify actions can leave family and marriage in a world of hurt.
He who walks with integrity, walks securely. But he who perverts his ways will become known. Prov 10:20
Usually, we think of deceit as external, but what about having integrity to yourself? Truth is like trying to hold a beach ball under water: it’s going to force its way up eventually.
A popular Christian song currently on the airwaves asks, “is it okay, if I am not okay?” Of course, your answer is, “Yes! Of course it is okay.” We are willing to lend a sympathetic ear to others, but we believe another self-lie that says that we are not deserving of the same compassion from others, so we swallow difficulties we have. Here comes the beach ball.
Do you know yourself? It’s hard to identify the lies I tell myself, precisely because I am lying. I am in a bit of a conundrum because I have successfully deceived myself. You might have to enlist the help of an honest friend. Are the lies you tell yourself innocent? Is my coffee addiction harmful? There are addictions that are certainly harmful and those ones you need an honest friend to help you with. Have I helped my husband to lie to himself, because the honey-do list never gets shorter? You might have to just reconcile yourself with reality.
As a kid growing up in Sunday school class, I thought very literally about dishonesty. Lying, stealing and cheating were taboo. Even then, I was capable of telling some whoppers, especially in a sticky situation. I even knew that the “Devil is a sly old fox”, but I wasn’t prepared for the real dangerous lies; the lies we tell ourselves.