A Saturday Evening Post

I clearly remember the day my husband said, “I think I will go to church with you tomorrow.” We owned a software company at the time, and if you’ve ever owned a business, you know that you can work 24/7/365 and still not get everything done! We were leaving our office on a Saturday. I was walking down the stairs, arms fully loaded with computers, notes, and things to do for work from home, when he made that declaration! I was ecstatic! I was also “cautiously optimistic”.

Let me pause to say when Katie asked me to contribute an article on resilience in relation to being married to a “non-believer” my first thoughts were, “I’m totally NOT qualified to speak on this topic!” (Satan putting doubts in my head.) Then my thoughts transitioned to, “Everything I have is because of God’s love and grace for me, a flawed and fully human woman.” (Holy Spirit thinking). After much thought and prayer, and speaking with my husband and others, specifically my daughter-in-law, Kate, I am hopeful that my experience will encourage you in your journey to be more like Jesus and to be a positive influence on the most important individual in your life (Your husband). It also occurred to me that perseverance is a critical component in resilience. So, please know that my struggles with perseverance and resilience are right in line with yours, and also know that the gift of the Holy Spirit, which you were given at the time of your baptism, (Acts 2:38) will support you, enable you to discern right from wrong, and strengthen you in your resolve to be faithful.

(Returning to me on the stairs) I jokingly said, 

“Honey, I’m on the stairs, with my arms full! Don’t scare me like that!”

We both laughed, but sure enough, the next day, he went to church with me for the first time in 22 years of marriage. I think he may have been looking to see if he could fit in this Christian world where I spent a lot of time. Lots of prayers were answered over the next few weeks. Fortunately, there were faithful men that were willing to spend time with him, answer his questions, and encourage him to respond to Jesus’ love for him.

But sister you may ask, how do I even get him that far? How do I convince him that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life? I know this is your heart’s greatest desire. It was mine! Tracts on the back of the potty, arguments, nagging him to go with you, guilt trips about how hard it is for you to go alone, and disagreements don’t work. Threats are totally inappropriate. In reality, these tactics only delay or prevent winning him over altogether.

 1 Peter 3: 1-2 tells us how our husbands may be won to Christ:

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.”

Whoa! “Be subject to….” I know that is counter-cultural. Oh my, don’t we struggle with that? Are you kidding? Submit my will to someone else’s will? Our “culture” tells us that we women should be leading the family, making all the decisions, taking the lead. I saw a sign in a bathroom foyer while visiting Rotterdam that said, “Men to the left. Women to the right, because women are always right.” Our reputation precedes us!

“Culture” violently disagrees with God’s word. So, if in doubt, and “culture” says it’s right, then know, it’s probably wrong. I’m not advocating staying in abusive relationships, or that you have no rights or needs. I’m not saying that if your hubby tells you that you cannot be a Christian, that you should give up. There’s a whole other discussion in that case. I am advocating that if your husband says, like Abraham said,  “It’s time to move”, that you, like Sara, respectfully start packing.

It was a struggle, I will admit, to take three rowdy children to church alone on a consistent basis. Bored young boys can actively challenge your ability to hear a complete sermon! Often, ‘church’ seems to be a ‘couples thing’ and married women attending without a spouse just don’t feel that they fit in. Even if your spouse may not actively discourage your attendance (mine didn’t), keeping your family in harmony sometimes seems to take a back seat to pursuing Christ. And therein, lies the rub!

True family harmony is only available in Christ! Realize this ladies. Satan is described as a “roaring lion continually seeking those whom he may devour” (1 Peter 5:8). He often places temptations in our path and uses every weapon in his arsenal to destroy our relationship with Christ. He uses little bits of truth to make our choices seem right. Proverbs 14:12 says,  “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death.” We must choose to remain in the protective shield of Christ, or to participate in those fleshly desires. Persevere sister!

Persevere and pray. Pray for your husband. Not only that he may see the value of following Christ through your pure and respectful behavior, but in everything. Pray for his work decisions, pray for his child-rearing abilities, pray for his friendship choices, pray for his influence on others, pray that his heart will soften and be fertile ground for the Word of God. Pray unceasingly. Yes, God knows what you want. But, He still wants to hear from us. And remember that only Jesus can change a heart.

Your spouse may be curious enough to ask you questions; to challenge your new found (or long-time) faith. You don’t have to have all the answers. If your hubby is like mine, he asked some pretty profound questions that I struggled to answer! It’s okay to say, “I will have to study that abit”, or to ask for help from others. Arguments and “you should’s” are completely useless and counterproductive. Your pure and respectful conduct is your responsibility. Imitation of Jesus’ conduct is vital and will be very different from your old lifestyle or of those in the world.

Your response to your husband will be different when you are walking in the light. Respectful. This not only implies your tone of voice, but your words are powerful. We all know how to use words to belittle, demean, or degrade. “Culture” displays that for us everywhere. Don’t you just deplore it when someone tries to make themselves look better or smarter by making you look stupid? As imitators of Christ, we use our words to build up and edify others. No slandering or gossiping (pure conduct). We especially use our words to build up and edify our husbands.

Faithful sisters, and older faithful women with more experience are a great help and comfort when you are struggling. Get to know them. How do I know if an older woman is faithful and her counsel is truthful? 

So, reiterating the truths outlined in 1 Peter,

• Be subject to Christ first. To your husband, second. Be respectful.
• Let your husband lead. Be respectful. 
• Demonstrate pure conduct. Be respectful. 
• Persevere in your quest to be more like Jesus. Be respectful. 
• Persevere in your church attendance and most of all, persevere in your prayer. Be respectful.

Titus 2:3 says:

“… older women …are reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things— that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands…”

These are the qualities of a faithful woman. Search her out. She will personify the truths above. It often helps to see a physical/earthly example to imitate. Imitate her as she imitates Christ, much like Paul said to imitate him as he imitates Christ. 1 Cor. 11:1.

Can you tell being respectful is key? I’m fully convinced that being respectful is a lost concept in our culture, but it is truly key to winning your husband to Christ.

I love you, I hear you, and I am praying for you.