I was 18 when I had my first drink…and blacked out that very first time. In my history of drinking, drunkenness and blackouts were irregular and unpredictable, however, i had a predictable pattern: I made a lot of very wrong choices. I made Geographical changes, moving when things got too painful, or things were promising elsewhere. I also looked for a man to solve my problems, but that always turned out to be a lie, so, I ended up a single parent.
I had two sons, whom I love very much. One painful event was that between those two sons I had an abortion,which caused a LOT of guilt.
In 1973, I studied with a Christian couple and immediately stopped drinking. I was baptized that fall. When I couldn’t find a job in my hometown, I moved to Worcester, Massachusetts. It still took several years to find permanent employment, but I found my favorite job of all time working in the city library. My sons had a pretty stable life during that time, but it was still hard being a single parent.
My drinking resumed after a library Christmas party, where spiked punch was served. Soon, I had to hide it so Christian friends would not know, and I was NOT very good at that. My drinking caused so many problems…mainly as a parent and a Christian. I had some very painful experiences, which I will not go into, except to say that several times it involved the police, and I ended up in counseling for PTSD, which even today, I struggle with.
There is something important to mention here. I love the Lord and was sincere when I was baptized, but becoming a Christian is not a magical solution for every problem from the past…and that was true for me. The counseling I received for PTSD was not very helpful, but mainly because I could not be open with the counselors. I had a secret that I had buried for a long time; a trauma that occurred years before. The memory was too painful to think about, let alone share with anyone else.
For the next several years this was the cycle I went through: sporadic drinking with sober periods; moving (New York to Massachusetts to Texas, and back to New York, where I am now).
Finally, I had my last ‘drunk’. My youngest son, a junior in high school, found me passed out on the living room floor. He was no enabler: he did NOT clean me up or help me up; just left me on the floor. He did speak to me…but his tone and expression showed disgust and disappointment.
I thank God to this day, because the very next day I attended an AA meeting and ended up going to a rehab. My son, however, had had enough and spent his last year of high school back in Massachusetts with a dear Christian family there.
After a year of sobriety I still had struggles with PTSD, which was actually worse when sober. My sponsor suggested I get some mental health help, so I went to a group that addressed my specific trauma. I was told that drinking would stop any progress. The group sessions were very hard because they forced me to confront the most painful events from my earlier life (long before I ever drank). That was truly the hardest six months of my whole life! Out of the original group of 15-20 women, I was one of eight who completed the therapy. I had faced the HARDEST thing in all my life…and came out of it sane, and still sober.
During my life I have tried suicide 3 or 4 times; the first, before I ever picked up a drink. I have dealt with depression, anxiety and low self-esteem most of my life…and sometimes I still do, however, I have learned ways to deal with it more productively since I’ve gotten sober.
During those periods of drinking, I was also sporadic in my church attendance. I left the church about 3 times. Getting and staying sober is, to me, a miracle, but an even BIGGER miracle is that God has taken me back every time I have returned to Him and his church. Now I have a sense of great thankfulness and responsibility.
My constant prayer, since my return to the church about 28 or so years ago, is that God will keep me faithful…no matter what it takes. My son, who experienced so much of the ups and downs of my drinking, went on to become a preacher, not only here in the U.S. but also in Ukraine. God has even used his painful experiences caused by my alcoholism to help other people with their addictions. God has taken something so painful and turned to use it all for good … and to His glory.
Here is the most important part of my story: More recently, I have been able to forgive the one who caused me the trauma that started my alcohol “journey”. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Not just to privately forgive, but I was able to tell the person so that they could find peace too. I came to realize that the people we forgive often have difficulty accepting forgiveness themselves. I believe God let me experience alcoholism so I would learn about the need and treasure of forgiveness. If God has forgiven me, how can I NOT forgive anyone else? THAT one thing has given me more peace than almost anything else in my life since becoming a Christian. So in that sense, my addiction turned out to be a gift.