A Saturday Evening Post

I have a bad habit of cooking everything on high. So, for Twenty years, my husband has appointed himself the family stovetop guardian. He suffered burnt meals often enough to train himself to just turn down the heat as he walks through the kitchen.

Twenty years ago, a scared young lady walked down the aisle, said “I do” and ‘foolishly’ (according to some) married someone she knew mostly through a long-distance relationship. So many people told me I was making a mistake that, as I stood at the back of the church auditorium, ready to make that short trek to the altar, I was seriously considered running in the opposite direction. I willed my feet, pointed my toes in the direction of the stage, and walked up to the front closer to the threshold of the unknown. It is a scary time for all of us. And sometimes it all ends in disaster. This week, we celebrated our twentieth anniversary. I will tell you what I have learned besides turning the heat down on the stove (My husband debates that I have learned that lesson), as well along with some testimonies of others who have a bit more experience than I.  

The one truth I held on to, was that my husband had his priorities straight. I knew Christ was first in his life. That was why I knew everything would be fine. Raising our family on the mission field, grueling road trips with little children, 4 trips through diapers, teething, and sleepless nights, I did not always feel like I had someone to confide in when things were rough in our marriage. For much of our time there we were the core family of the church, and that meant we were supposed to have all the answers. This was often far from reality, but one thing we both clung to was that divorce was not a part of our lexicon. There was not a back door. For that, we learned how to communicate, he had to learn to listen, but I had to learn sometimes the things I thought he should realize without my telling him; I needed to vocalize.  

Paul and Barbie have been married for fifty-six years, faithful servants of God. Not to diminish the work my husband’s single mom did raising her boys, but Paul and Barbie were one of the stabilizing forces in challenging circumstances, living right around the corner from his house. They were married when she was nineteen and he was twenty. She thinks back to when her own relationship began with Paul. “We thought we had it all figured out. It did not take too long for us to realize we had a lot to learn. We learned to love each other in God’s way. And that is not always our way. We had to work through our struggles, but we did it together, and that is what brought us together. We both had to realize our spouse was not perfect, but we had to realize that was true of ourselves too” We learned to complement each other’s flaws. We learned to appreciate each other.” Fifty-six years is not an accident, that is intentional.  

Anna and Travis have added to their own family of six with a couple of foster kids. Anna says it is a challenge with her own children bearing most of the burden emotionally.  She says foster care should involve the whole family. Balancing relationships with parents and grandparents is a challenge as well. If there is friction between kids especially close in age, you may need to consider moving on.   All of us know families ripped apart by divorce. Domestic or substance abuse, affairs, or money problems, all prey on the precious and fragile sanctity of marriage. Often there are compelling reasons to seek divorce. Satan makes sure you have plenty of excuses too.  

Studies conducted by the Heritage foundation show the devastating effects of divorce on children. Children from divorced homes are twelve times more likely to participate in a crime. African American girls are 42% less likely to participate in illicit sex if raised in a home with their biological father. A stepfather can have the opposite effect. Studies conducted among Hispanic American girls show they are 72% more likely to have sex before 18 years of age.  

The strain on a marriage is hard, but resources are available in local churches and counseling. Many of us know an elderly couple satisfied in their relationship, reach out to them. Tell them what you are feeling. And most importantly, talk to your spouse about how you feel. They might have no idea you feel this way. Recognize your own shortcomings. Work it out for the sake of your kids and yourself.